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Anusha Veluri
(Founder/Editor-in-Chief)
Many Cities Finally Transition Into Phase 3: Blissful Ignorance And Utter Denial
Civilians Sneak Onto SpaceX Aircraft In Attempt To "Get Away From This Earth Sh*t"
How to Get On Your Teacher’s Good Side: A Millburn Student's Guide to Glory
The Challenges of Social Distancing In Short Hills
Traders Push 'Petroleum Cupcakes' On Consumers, In An Effort To Assuage Oil Surplus
Congress Redirects Funds Returned By Shake Shack Toward 'Small Business' Entrepreneur Tim Cook
What Should Millburn Students Look For In Colleges? Let The Experts Tell You
Trump Admits: 'I am actually a pale brunette, disguised to distract from my terrible personality.'
After Realizing Lack Of Taste Is A Covid Symptom, Local Woman Reports All Lizzo Fans As Infected
Zayn And Gigi's Embryo Named America's 2020 Top Model
Deaths Due To Lysol Injections Surpass COVID Fatalities
A Millburn Student's Guide To 'Exemplary' Work: The Do's and Don't's
Congress Approves Ventilator Deal, Providing Millions Of Americans With Chimneys
Kanye West Asks For An Advance On Government Relief Pay Check, Trump Obliges
U.S Mint confirms that Nicolas Cage Will In Fact Be Featured On The Ten Dollar Bill
Due to COVID, Colleges Have Decided To End Meritocracy And Only Admit Students That They "Vibe With"
Friends In NYC Watch Love Is Blind And Later Decide To Walk Into Street Blindfolded To Find A Lover
Face Masks: The New Hot Trend?
Denial: A New Possible Solution To COVID Crisis?
Joaquin Phoenix Leaves Hotel Room After One Month And Wonders "What's Going On?"
Trump Pardons Joe Exotic, Claiming That Evidence Was Falsified And The Tigers Were Actually Animated
Vanessa Hudgens Attends Coachella Despite Its Cancellation, Claiming That "The Show Must Go On."
Genovia Proudly Reports ZERO COVID Cases, Thanks To Competent Leader Mia Thermopolis
Carole Baskin Sells Custom N95 Respirator Masks — Nobly Does Her Part During National Emergency
Americans Are Shockingly Unaware of Major Pandemic
Idris Elba’s Calm and Composure Defeats COVID 19
Trump’s Phrase ‘Chinese Virus’ is Nothing New
Millburn Students Rally To Scare Away COVID-19
Social Distancing Isn’t Hard, People!
Millburn Students Take Drastic Measures Amid COVID-19 Pandemic
Kim and Taylor in New Face Off: Who Cares Less About Feud
Pitch Perfect 4 Generates Oscar Buzz
For The 2020-2021 School Year, Millburn BOE Announces New Plan For 'Virtual Lunch'
Kanye West Swiftly Drops Out Of Race, Claims That He Thought There Would Be Literal Running Involved
In A Surprising Twist, Vegan Brooklyn Man With Mustache And Beanie Does NOT Own A Vintage Bicycle
CDC Hesitates To Re-Open Biker Bars, Deeming Them 'Strange' And 'Unnecessary'
CVS Cashier Falls Into Depression After One Too Many Customers Doesn't Join Rewards Program
With Garbanzo Bean Salads Now Politicized, Americans Just Hopeful Pizza/Burgers Remain Bipartisan
2020 Olympics Go Online — Table Tennis Players Turn To Wii Sports, Gymnasts Left Confused
Rights To Transcript Of Trump's Axios Interview Sold To HBO
DNC Hires Tina Fey And Amy Poehler To Host Convention And "Lighten The Mood"
Lab Results Are In: You're Not A Taurus, You're Just A Bitch
MHS Sends Flickering Fluorescent Lights To Student Homes, To Better Simulate True School Environment
As Fires Engulf California And Oregon, Americans Still Wonder "Was It A Boy Or A Girl??!!"
Upon End Of Kardashian Show, Millennials Left Wondering Where They Will Get Their Personalities From
Pasquinade Polls—Vaccine Trial Paused Because Of Guaranteed FATAL Side Effects: Is It Worth It?
Breaking: Millburn Chromebooks Found to Load Slower Than 1980s DELL Computers
New Data Scandal: GoGuardian Exposes Students' Google Searches, But Only Finds One: ps2.millburn.org
In 2017, Professional Egg Cracker Paid $3,000 In Taxes Next To Trump's $750
Mice In Trump's Room Test Positive For COVID, White House Staff Now Worried About Bed Bugs' Health
As Blue Light Glasses Blind Users, CEO Argues He Never Actually Guaranteed Eyesight
Americans Refuse to Watch Adele on SNL After Her Weight-Loss — "She's just not relatable anymore!"
College Halloween Party Busted— Students Punished and Sent Home For "Basic and Overdone Costumes"
Voting System's Unreliability Prompts U.S Government To Look Into Instagram Polls As An Alternative
Battle for Nevada, Michigan, and Arizona Rages On As Biden And Trump Play An Intense Game of Risk
Stephen Cheng
Millburn Hosts Competition: Who Procrastinates Best?
New Wifi Blockers In Reservation Leave Millburn Helpless and Confused
Millburn Deli Customer Does NOT Order The Godfather
America Has Clinched First Place In COVID Cases. Good Going!
The Pasquinade Provides: Easy Cure to Coronavirus
The Pasquinade Provides: Let Your CHILD Take The Reigns
Robots Finally Crack Captcha, End is Near
Exotic Animals Return To Millburn As Humans Continue To Quarantine
Reanalysis Of The Maya “Doomsday” Calendar Reveals World Will End In 2020, Not 2012.
As Students Continue to Quarantine, Productivity Skyrockets. TV Binging Productivity, That Is.
McDonald’s Quality Foods Initiative Backfires as Customers Insist on Eating 'Low-Grade Crap'
First Ever Glue Eating Contest! Registration ends soon
Edgy Deers Refuse To Get Off Highway
Mark Hubertus
Local Students Protest College Board's AP Exam Modifications
MHS Pep Rally Stirs Enthusiasm in Students?
Trump Declares Gas Stations Nonessential Businesses
Easter Bunny Contracts COVID-19, Finds Support Online
Researchers Discover COVID-19 Can Spread Via Internet
Eastern US States Secede From the Union
MHS Introduces Online P.E Classes, Students Boycott
How To Prepare for AP Make-ups: A Millburn Perspective
Mayor Lieberberg Organizes Town-Wide Pool Party
How to Win Water Wars: A Millburn Perspective
Syon Lee
Millburn Students Anticipate A Relaxing Change Of Pace As April Break Nears
Was COVID Actually A Blessing In Disguise?
Writers And Their Articles
Ashley Wang
‘Video Games Cause Violence’ Argument Reignited by Sudden Onslaught of Animal Crossing Addicts
Local Woman Trains Genius Toddler to Mispronounce the Names of Racist Celebrities
Luxury Brands Stock Up on Gold-Plated Masks, Preparing to Go ‘Quarantine Chic’ for Summer Season
Stringent Social Distancer Brings Double-Meter Stick Outside To 'Whack ‘Em Dunces Like Piñatas'
Exotic Pet Owners Concerned About BLM Protests Disrupting Their Animals' Daily Exercise
Plague Inc. Player Believes He Started the Coronavirus, Reports Himself To Manhattan Hospital
Local Karen Pledges to Name Future Dogs After 2020 Hurricanes
Trump Kicks Pence, Chooses Candace Owens As New Running Mate
5 Best Ways to Hide Your Uncontrollable Laughter During Virtual School
New Reports Predict Next Pop Music Trend Will Be 1700s Sea Shanties
New Yorkers Are Visiting LaGuardia Daily To Counter Airport Separation Anxiety
Zuckerberg Plans to Merge His Body With Twitter CEO in New Big Tech Deal
Analysts Predict Taylor Swift Will Run Out of Album Names Soon, Will Need to Settle For 'Dumbledore'
Biden and Harris Soon To Be Banned From Twitter for ‘Excessive Fancams’
Hannah Rubinstein
Posting A Black Square DOES Absolve You From All Other Civic Duties!
Your 101 Guide to College Applications: Millburn Edition
Aashna Moorjani
If You Aren't Buying Nonessential Items In Unnecessarily Large Quantities, You're Doing it Wrong
Gal Gadot's DISGUSTING Attempt At Unification Leaves Us Asking, 'Who Does She Think She Is?'
Hollywood Studios Lend A Helping Hand During Trying Times
New Possible Solution To Pollution: Just Don't Pollute.
Florida Nobly Reopens Beaches, Taking First Steps Toward A National Recovery
Listen to Your TV Doctors!
Government Stimulus Package Gallantly Rescues Struggling Mom-and-Pop Shops
Prepare Yourself For Launch
Henry Josephson
First Dog Diagnosed With Coronavirus Speaks Out
Mitch McConnell Self-Isolates in his Shell
Despite Enough Polls & Donors, Sanders Fails To Meet Dem. Party’s Sexual Assault Quota
Amid Pandemic, Low Gas Sales Force ExxonMobil To Lay Off Senators
Despite COVID-19 And Protests, Jurassic Park Still On Schedule To Open In June
Corinne Quane
TikTok: The Safest And Most Welcoming Platform For Self-Expression
Pasquinade Pyramids: Political Leaders During Times of Crisis
Trump Is Overwhelmed with Statements from HUNDREDS of Governors
Sophie Garcia
Supreme Court Deems In-Person Wisconsin Elections Necessary, Amid A Historically Tight Race
March 29th 2020: Some Pasquinade employees, hard at work at our NYC office!
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Founded early in 2020, we will continue to bring our readers the best and most under-appreciated stories for years to come.
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