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Anusha Veluri 


Many Cities Finally Transition Into Phase 3: Blissful Ignorance And Utter Denial

Civilians Sneak Onto SpaceX Aircraft In Attempt To "Get Away From This Earth Sh*t"

How to Get On Your Teacher’s Good Side: A Millburn Student's Guide to Glory

The Challenges of Social Distancing In Short Hills

Traders Push 'Petroleum Cupcakes' On Consumers, In An Effort To Assuage Oil Surplus


Congress Redirects Funds Returned By Shake Shack Toward 'Small Business' Entrepreneur Tim Cook


What Should Millburn Students Look For In Colleges? Let The Experts Tell You

Trump Admits: 'I am actually a pale brunette, disguised to distract from my terrible personality.'


After Realizing Lack Of Taste Is A Covid Symptom, Local Woman Reports All Lizzo Fans As Infected


Zayn And Gigi's Embryo Named America's 2020 Top Model


Deaths Due To Lysol Injections Surpass COVID Fatalities


A Millburn Student's Guide To 'Exemplary' Work: The Do's and Don't's

Congress Approves Ventilator Deal, Providing Millions Of Americans With Chimneys


Kanye West Asks For An Advance On Government Relief Pay Check, Trump Obliges


U.S Mint confirms that Nicolas Cage Will In Fact Be Featured On The Ten Dollar Bill

Due to COVID, Colleges Have Decided To End Meritocracy And Only Admit Students That They "Vibe With"


Friends In NYC Watch Love Is Blind And Later Decide To Walk Into Street Blindfolded To Find A Lover


Face Masks: The New Hot Trend?


Denial: A New Possible Solution To COVID Crisis?


Joaquin Phoenix Leaves Hotel Room After One Month And Wonders "What's Going On?"


Trump Pardons Joe Exotic, Claiming That Evidence Was Falsified And The Tigers Were Actually Animated


Vanessa Hudgens Attends Coachella Despite Its Cancellation, Claiming That "The Show Must Go On."


Genovia Proudly Reports ZERO COVID Cases, Thanks To Competent Leader Mia Thermopolis


Carole Baskin Sells Custom N95 Respirator Masks — Nobly Does Her Part During National Emergency

Americans Are Shockingly Unaware of Major Pandemic

Idris Elba’s Calm and Composure Defeats COVID 19

Trump’s Phrase ‘Chinese Virus’ is Nothing New

Millburn Students Rally To Scare Away COVID-19

Social Distancing Isn’t Hard, People!

Millburn Students Take Drastic Measures Amid COVID-19 Pandemic


Kim and Taylor in New Face Off: Who Cares Less About Feud


Pitch Perfect 4 Generates Oscar Buzz

For The 2020-2021 School Year, Millburn BOE Announces New Plan For 'Virtual Lunch'

Kanye West Swiftly Drops Out Of Race, Claims That He Thought There Would Be Literal Running Involved

In A Surprising Twist, Vegan Brooklyn Man With Mustache And Beanie Does NOT Own A Vintage Bicycle

CDC Hesitates To Re-Open Biker Bars, Deeming Them 'Strange' And 'Unnecessary'

CVS Cashier Falls Into Depression After One Too Many Customers Doesn't Join Rewards Program

With Garbanzo Bean Salads Now Politicized, Americans Just Hopeful Pizza/Burgers Remain Bipartisan

2020 Olympics Go Online — Table Tennis Players Turn To Wii Sports, Gymnasts Left Confused

Rights To Transcript Of Trump's Axios Interview Sold To HBO

DNC Hires Tina Fey And Amy Poehler To Host Convention And "Lighten The Mood"

Lab Results Are In: You're Not A Taurus, You're Just A Bitch

MHS Sends Flickering Fluorescent Lights To Student Homes, To Better Simulate True School Environment

As Fires Engulf California And Oregon, Americans Still Wonder "Was It A Boy Or A Girl??!!"

Upon End Of Kardashian Show, Millennials Left Wondering Where They Will Get Their Personalities From

Pasquinade Polls—Vaccine Trial Paused Because Of Guaranteed FATAL Side Effects: Is It Worth It?

Breaking: Millburn Chromebooks Found to Load Slower Than 1980s DELL Computers

New Data Scandal: GoGuardian Exposes Students' Google Searches, But Only Finds One:

In 2017, Professional Egg Cracker Paid $3,000 In Taxes Next To Trump's $750

Mice In Trump's Room Test Positive For COVID, White House Staff Now Worried About Bed Bugs' Health

As Blue Light Glasses Blind Users, CEO Argues He Never Actually Guaranteed Eyesight

Americans Refuse to Watch Adele on SNL After Her Weight-Loss — "She's just not relatable anymore!"

College Halloween Party Busted— Students Punished and Sent Home For "Basic and Overdone Costumes"

Voting System's Unreliability Prompts U.S Government To Look Into Instagram Polls As An Alternative

Battle for Nevada, Michigan, and Arizona Rages On As Biden And Trump Play An Intense Game of Risk

Writers And Their Articles


March 29th 2020: Some Pasquinade employees, hard at work at our NYC office! 

We are a news organization with a fervent, unyielding dedication to the truth. Join us, for the most objective, precise accounts of current events that you will ever find. 

Founded early in 2020, we will continue to bring our readers the best and most under-appreciated stories for years to come. 

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