By Anusha Veluri | National News |
We at The Pasquinade have acquired the official transcript of CEO Chuck Truman's statement:
"Good morning, America. As of this morning, October 5th, 20% of our users have gone blind. This is not a statistic our company will shy away from. We will accept liability for blindness. I want to make one thing clear, though. We never, ever, ever, guaranteed eyesight. Can you find the fine print assuring you that you will not go blind? You can't, because it doesn't exist. Will blue light glasses mitigate headaches? Yes. Will they reduce eye strain? Yes. Will they cause blindness? Possibly. Let this be a lesson to all Americans: Sometimes it's not what's written in fine print, but what's not written in fine print."