Breaking: Gen Z Only Understands The GameStop Short When It's Explained In Terms Of Nicki Minaj

By Anusha Veluri | National News |

We at The Pasquinade completely understand that the stock market can be confusing. It's a pretty abstract, distant concept for those who have absolutely no financial experience! Scientists have been attempting to curb that lack of understanding for years, and with the recent surge of interest regarding stocks, they have uncovered something major.

After hundreds of tests with control groups, variables, and thousands of sample sizes, research has found that people between the ages of 10 and 25 only understand the stock market when it's explained in terms of Nicki Minaj.

In a nation-wide experiment, all control groups were told that a "short" is when an an investor borrows shares and immediately sells them, hoping he or she can scoop them up later at a lower price, return them to the lender and pocket the difference. Ten minutes after hearing that explanation, Gen Z was not able to understand nor recall what a short was. In fact, when asked what a short was, a 15-year-old control group member told us it was a brief movie, like "Bao." 19-year-old control group member Frieda Boise told us a "short" is what Ariana Grande is. Good one, Frieda!

But when scientists explained the stock market in terms of Nicki Minaj, Gen Z understood right away. For example, when explaining what a "short" was, researcher Nick Geenes told kids, "Imagine critics bet that Nicki Minaj's upcoming album would sell 300,000 units in its first week, but then, a lot of Barbz [Nicki Minaj fans] went out and bought the album to spite said critics, and the album actually sold 1 million units." The group understood right away. They even told the researchers, "Those b****es deserved to get screwed. Never underestimate our QUEEN." 10 minutes after leaving the experiment, the group exposed to the Nicki explanation was able to perfectly explain a short in financial terms, shocking the researchers.

We at The Pasquinade are definitely impressed! But are we surprised? Not particularly. Here at The Pasquinade, we've never underestimated the immense impact of Nicki Minaj. No, we've never shorted her.