CDC Hesitates To Re-Open Biker Bars, Deeming Them 'Strange' And 'Unnecessary'

By Anusha Veluri | National News |

Despite opening even more densely populated, crowded, frequented indoor and outdoor dining locations, the CDC is stubbornly avoiding opening any biker-bar. The CDC has issued the following statement:


"First, we acknowledge the biker community, and we want to let you know that you are valid. However, there is no denying that humanity has low-key evolved past a need for biker-bars. They are simply weird, and largely unnecessary. Strange establishments such as biker-bars will not be reopening, ever. Among such establishments are SeaWorld, Hotdog-Eating Competition Organizations, Cat Cafés, Yodeling Conventions, and the like. If these closings have deeply affected you, first, we apologize. But secondly, please engage in some self-reflection. Find new hobbies. There's hope for you yet! Think of this as a friendly intervention. Thank you for understanding."


All biker-bar frequenters, we at The Pasquinade are so sorry for your loss.