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'Every Student Must Go Vegan,' Millburn Board of Education Says

By Brandon Samuels | Local News |

On Monday, June 22, Millburn’s Board of Education voted in favor of a mandatory vegan regiment for all schools in the district. As a result of constant pressure from climate change activists in Millburn High School, members of the board felt the need to legislate an important action that would benefit chickens, cows, and other animals.Debra Fisher, a member of the board said, “This is a much needed measure in our community. We need to fight for all the chickens that will never get to live their lives to the fullest. Do you know what the mortality rate of a chicken in New Jersey is? 100%!”

Fisher and constituents have agreed to a plan that will ban any student from eating, purchasing, and buying any animal products on campus and at home. Millburn faculty is exempt from this regiment. Although it might appear unfair to students that the faculty will be able to eat any food of their choice, the Board of Education disagrees. Jenna Seymour, Secretary of the Eating Apples Commission (EAPC) on the board, stated, “These ‘kids’ need to learn something. My generation had to fight the AIDS epidemic, so the least that you all can do is eat a piece of lettuce for Christ sakes”.

Soon after her comment, Ms. Seymour was arrested for stealing 3 Kit-Kat bars and 4 packs of Q-tips at the local Walgreens. She has temporarily been replaced by another board member.

The exact outlines of the regiment are still unclear to some people. If any staff finds out that students are in fact eating animal products then they will be expelled from Millburn Schools. However, there are no measures to investigate what students are eating at home.

Although climate change activism amongst students is at an all time high in Millburn, students have not been protesting for this strict regiment. The Millburn High School Environmental Club says it is their mission is to combat the unhealthy release of fossil fuels into the atmosphere; however, students feel that their message has been twisted.

Jerry Johnston, the president of the club has been a vocal opposition to the Board of Education’s new regiment.

“Yes we want people to recycle” he said, “and yes we want people to reduce the amount of meat they eat. But hey, I still want my baby back ribs!”

While speaking, Johnston had his phone in one hand and a chicken nugget in the other. After making his comment he quickly ran away in fear of faculty members seeing the chicken.

Henry Jelly, another member of the environmental club, is starting a petition titled Let Me Eat Meat.

Jelly commented, “Let Me Eat Meat is my campaign for freedom. Our lives are difficult enough, we live in Short Hills! Do you know how hard that is? I can only use my private pool for a few months!”

Along with his petition, Jelly marches down the main hallways of Millburn High School in what he calls Meaty Monday Motivation. “Every Monday I walk down the halls in a cow costume to remind all the students in Millburn that we are being treated like meat. I also am paying homage to Lady Gaga”, Jelly added.

Whether it be the tense rules of Millburn’s Board of Education or the backlash from student activists, this seems to be a defining moment in the fight for climate change.

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