Exotic Pet Owners Concerned About BLM Protests Disrupting Their Animals' Daily Exercise

By Ashley Wang | National News |

As Americans rally to defend black people’s right to exist without being murdered by racist authority figures, exotic pet owners are voicing their complaints. They claim that the nation’s widespread Black Lives Matter protests are getting in the way of them walking their beloved creatures.


The Pasquinade sought out some of these pet owners living in New York City, to question why they felt the need to invalidate protests against police brutality. (The following interviewees have asked to remain anonymous, likely out of sheer embarrassment.)


All lives matter,” one woman loudly proclaimed. “Which includes pet lives, too! These silly little protests are really getting on my nerves and messing with my chakras. How do you expect little Cookie here—” (here, she pauses to gesticulate wildly in the general direction of her serval cat, who had broken free from his leash and proceeded to frantically run away) “—to manage on his own without me? I mean, it’s just unthinkable!”


“The recent protests have been blocking my usual path to the local lizard park. I don’t know what they’re out there fighting for, but I sure wish they’d do it somewhere else,” a heavily bearded man said. When asked if he knew what BLM stood for, he said haltingly, “Bacon, lettuce… mustard?”


Some exotic pet owners thought about taking organized measures to discredit Black Lives Matter. “I was so horrified at this injustice that I considered a counter-protest. But that takes a lot of work, and I’ve got to feed and bathe Archie here,” said a chinchilla owner whose pet was covered in an inordinate amount of dirt.


One man simply shrugged, and said, “I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at animal cruelty,” proudly quoting Brita from the 2009 sitcom Community. Well, that about sums it up: black people are treated like second-class animals in America, not just second-class citizens.