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How to Win Water Wars: A Millburn Perspective

By Mark Hubertus | Local News |

In light of the water wars event being held for High Schoolers this Summer, we here at The Pasquinade have graciously decided to give away the tried and true strategies developed your professional game theorists and world-renowned scientologists.

1. Don’t use water guns

Here in Millburn, money is power. “Buying out” enemies, or paying them to say they were eliminated from the game, is the best path to success. We recommend that you always try to buy out your enemies; using water guns to eliminate them should be your last resort.

2. Tell your targets exactly when and where you plan to attack

When buyouts don’t work, you may be forced to use water guns. Don’t fear! As long as you tell your targets exactly when and where you plan to attack, they will thank you for being so courteous and gladly remove themselves from the game for you.

3. Break the law

If your targets are jerks that don’t appreciate the effort you put into this game, don’t be afraid to take a couple risks to get what you want. Who cares if you accidentally run over your target? How can you even win without trespassing? What even is assault, anyways? Here in Millburn, we’re all rich enough to buy our way out of any problem, so don’t worry about breaking some laws.

4. Make sure everyone knows your location at all times.

It’s always wise to be prepared in case the strategies above don’t work. A good idea is to make sure that your partner and anyone else who can help you know exactly where you are in case you need to be rescued. We recommend that you make your location publicly known.

5. Lie and cheat your way to victory

If you end up getting shot, just lie to the people in charge and deny that anything happened. There’s usually no proof, so you have a good chance of winning the argument and getting put back in the game like nothing ever happened. You can even lie and say you eliminated your targets, if you want!

So there you have it. Follow these foolproof rules and you’re sure to win Water Wars 2020!

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