If You Aren't Buying Nonessential Items In Unnecessarily Large Quantities, You're Doing it Wrong

By Aashna Moorjani |

As the number of COVID-19 cases increases in New Jersey and in our very own town of Millburn/Short Hills, suburban moms have taken it upon themselves to protect their families — by stocking up on groceries. Shelves have been wiped clean of household staples. Notably, toilet paper, artisan whole wheat bread, 'Oatly' Brand Barista Blend Oat Milk, and even pumpkin purée (“just in case the virus rebounds in the fall”).


Hundreds of mothers have been spotted risking their health multiple times a week, braving the infected aisles of Whole Foods, armed with only the essentials: hand sanitizer, gloves, and N95 surgical masks. These are Millburn's true unsung heroes. Not those silly health care workers!


Brittany Weaver, mother of three, told us: “I just don’t know if 10 large packs of toilet paper will be enough. I’m not sure what my family will do if… well, I don’t even want to think about what we’ll do if we run out.”


That’s right, Mrs. Weaver! The one essential good we here at The Pasquinade recommend everyone stock up on to survive this pandemic is toilet paper. It’s arguably the most essential of all household items. However, it’s also important that everyone fill their pantries and fridges until they burst. As a matter of fact, if you haven’t packed a second backup fridge with food, you’re probably in trouble...


“I only went to the grocery story once this week,” said Aarti Patel, mother of two. “I went four times last week. Now we are out of Honey Bunches of Oats cereal. Simply no other cereals will do, so I think I’ll have to make a trip to Whole Foods again. I know it’s a health risk, but, I mean, what’s the alternative? Cheerios? Certainly not for my family! Certainly not!”


We like your attitude, Mrs. Patel! Nice!


On March 31st, we at The Pasquinade surveyed every suburban mom within the 07078 zip code, and the results were nothing short of shocking. Only 34% had stocked up for the next two weeks. What’s worse, a measly 7% had stocked up until next month. Come on, people! This pandemic isn’t going away anytime soon. Get your acts together!


Your deplorable levels of preparation leave us with only these harrowing questions: what is your family going to eat for the next 2-24 months we spend social distancing? What is your family going to wipe with in the bathroom?