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In A Surprising Twist, Vegan Brooklyn Man With Mustache And Beanie Does NOT Own A Vintage Bicycle

By Anusha Veluri | National News

Shiloh Greenpan, a 31-year-old Brooklynite, is not like other hipsters in his community. Or, rather, is not a hipster at all!

There are some similarities between Shiloh and the hipster community. He, like most other hipsters, is overeducated yet unemployed, listens to underground, abstract music, which he is, like most of his companions, too afraid to admit is actually terrible. He does bring his typewriter to Central Park, he has been institutionalized for a relentless addiction to unfunny irony, and he does have his own podcast, named "The Featherless Chicken." While of these qualities are very in-line with the hipster community, Mr. Greenpan is missing something essential.

In the admission heard round the world, Shiloh revealed that he does not own a vintage bike. Given the characteristics that we've listed above, owning a vintage bike is a near-guarantee. Based on extensive and accurate hipster records, Shiloh is likely the only one of his kind.

Shiloh tells us that he struggles to fit in with the hipster community due to this gaping hole in his resumé. The community has not yet granted him a pass into their daily hipster hangouts in allegedly 'underrated' cafés, although we at The Pasquinade have found them clustered together in Starbucks on several occasions.

Although we do not understand why, at this point, Shiloh does not just purchase a vintage bike, all we can do is hope that Shiloh's identity crisis is quickly resolved. All the best, Shiloh!

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