MHS Pep Rally Stirs Enthusiasm in Students?

By Mark Hubertus |

Last Friday, MHS held its annual Spring Pep Rally. As per usual, students unenthusiastically filed into the gymnasium, where music was blasting and gym coaches were screaming. When students took their seats and the events began, bags were promptly zipped open all around the room, and pupils ripped out books, papers, and pencils. Unlike previous rallies, when only a handful of kids would have their noses in books, this year, 4,963 students (out of 5,182) reported working on school assignments, according to a Miron email poll.


This largely unenthusiastic and phlegmatic audience deeply troubled Pep Rally host Patrick Childs, who consistently screamed at the crowd over the deafening music and the cacophonous sound of scribbling pencils. His goal: force the kids to pay attention by any means. Childs reportedly tried to start a chant to embarrass these students, screaming, “More pencils moving means more teams losing!”; unfortunately, it didn’t catch on.


Tough Crowd!


It was only at the end of the ceremony that Childs finally garnered the full attention of the audience. It was the moment everyone had been waiting for; it was the most exciting, nerve wracking, and thrilling part of the entire event: dismissal.


Childs shocked and disgusted the crowd with his seemingly unorthodox approach to the whole affair. Even though seniors were traditionally emancipated before other grade levels, at this rally, Childs made the sacrilegious choice to allow the freshman to exit the facility first.


Bad move, Childs.


Major protest erupted from all sides of the gymnasium. Pencils were thrown; books were flung; chromebooks were smashed. Childs was forced to hide in his DJ booth as a stampede of freshman clamored out the exits.


After the rioting died down, Childs, in another outrageous turn of events, chose to dismiss the students who were not taking any AP classes.


It was the beginning of the end for Childs.


Major uproar erupted from the bleachers. Students and teachers, in a rare showing of solidarity, stormed the doors of the gymnasium. In an inspirational showing, the high-IQ mob managed to break through the locked doors, running towards busses and lockers.


Childs was reportedly severely injured by the stampede and sent to the hospital.


In an email sent out just minutes after the tragedy, all future pep rallies have been cancelled.


AP students in all corners of the MHS community, REJOICE!! NO MORE PEP RALLIES!!