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Millburn Hosts Competition: Who Procrastinates Best?

By Stephen Cheng |

Today, Millburn students hosted the first procrastination convention. Its goal: to determine the most unproductive student in school. The convention was held to support the rising trend in procrastination among Millburn students. In a controversial recent survey, researchers found that 70% of Millburn students said they “cared less about school than they did the month before”, and 50% said they “started homework the day it was due”. When asked exactly why they wanted to procrastinate, one student said:“I was always told by my parents, ‘don’t be who you aren’t. Be yourself’. I think I’ve finally taken that advice to heart. Originally, I was a hardworking, honors student who made great impressions on my teachers. But I wasn’t happy. That’s when I realized that I wasn’t embracing who I really was: a lazy, self-centered, manchild. Ever since I embraced my true self, I never felt more free. No longer did I have to worry about doing homework on time. No longer did I have to suck up to teachers. And I really, really do think that this belief is shared among my fellow classmates”.

What a courageous statement! Apparently, the era of hard work and responsibility is over, making way for an era of sloppy work and all nighters. The 300 people at the convention were there to celebrate.

The convention was initially scheduled for April Fool’s Day, but was rescheduled to today since the hosts completely forgot about it! Fortunately, many of the attendees applauded this accident as a testament to the hosts’ unproductive prowess.

The convention officially began at noon in the school cafeteria. People started showing up at 1:00 pm. The main event, of course, the competition of who procrastinated best. Surveys show that in the week leading up to the convention, attendees began submitting their homework later and later, likely in an attempt to flaunt their unproductivity. Each competitor at the convention delivered a speech articulating their procrastination adventures, from doing homework in class, to making excuses as to why they did not finish their presentations in time. As expected, the well-prepared speeches received the lowest scores, while the fumbling, miserable attempts of a speech received the highest scores.

In the end, nothing that the competitors who showed up did mattered. The judges were looking for someone who, as one judge told me, “procrastinated in a way no other student could.”

The winner was senior student Aaron Stephens, who, in a spectacular turn of events, did not even show up to convention to begin with. Judges admired his complete and utter indifference for the convention he signed up to attend, citing it as the reason for his unanimous victory.

When asked what he thought of his victory, Aaron said: “like bruh, I signed up for it… but I also almost forgot about it, like I do for most things. Honestly, I started preparing my speech like 10 minutes before the convention was about to begin, but then it wasn’t ready, so I decided to skip the convention altogether. I’m used to it, cuz I skip school every time a presentation or test is due that day anyways.”

Unlike other students, who only jumped aboard the procrastination train this year when the trend started to rise, Aaron has been at it since his freshman year. In retrospect, there was no version of this where he would not have won the award.

In a closing comment, AaRon told me that he may very well put this at the top of his very short list of extracurriculars for his college application, which he plans on submitting to colleges tomorrow, almost 4 months after the due date.

Congrats to Aaron, and best of luck to other Millburn students in their future procrastination endeavors!

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