New Yorkers Are Visiting LaGuardia Daily To Counter Airport Separation Anxiety

Ashley Wang | National News |

New York City, the home of over 8 million people and approximately as many rats, is facing a new epidemic. After several months of staying at home, many former travelers have found themselves plagued by airport separation anxiety. This phenomenon is synonymous with wanderlust and has severe symptoms; one notable tell is the hourly compulsion to check Airbnb and flight costs.


Luckily, The Pasquinade was easily able to locate New Yorkers suffering from the worst cases for interviews. They were all sitting inside Queens’ one and only LaGuardia Airport—woefully looking at the few flights available and holding prayer circles to manifest the coronavirus disappearing soon.


A millennial named Sid Baker explained exactly what made him so upset: “I feel like LaGuardia really encompassed the essence of New York, you know? People rushing around, being rude and ignoring each other. It’s just not the same now that the place is empty—and I’m here to mourn that loss.”


It appears that this mindset transcends age, as an old woman named Cheryl had also found solace in LaGuardia: “Coming here has helped me survive my quarantine loneliness. I actually lost my husband in the crowds of this airport twenty years ago. Whenever I hear those deep-voiced announcements now, they remind me of him.”


We sought out a third interviewee, but they weren’t interested in answering questions. They were frantically taking screenshots of the TripAdvisor App to save for “the moment when all these silly little countries open up to Americans again. I don’t know what they’re doing - their third-world economies need tourists!”


Given that LaGuardia is indisputably the nation’s worst airport and has been ranked as such by credible online authorities, this group’s passion was concerning at the very least. Much like for an ex-partner they hadn’t seen in months, they were willing to put aside the airport’s lack of hygiene, temperamental nature, and penchant for canceling plans suddenly in a moment of longing.


To cope with this condition, The Pasquinade recommends techniques that simulate the feeling of traveling. For example: going on long walks with suitcases that are at least 10 pounds under the limit, but are still hit with overweight baggage fees that could pay for a dozen knock-off Louis Vuitton bags.


It’s only a matter of time before the sentimental bunch at LaGuardia gets kicked out and migrates to Newark Airport. Until then, please hold prayer circles in their honor, to vanquish the coronavirus and officially save airports once and for all.