By Ashley Wang | National News |
Online conspirators on Reddit have long suspected that the coronavirus started not in Wuhan, China, but in the highly uninteresting state of Nevada—with someone using the wrong computer at Area 51. It turns out that this theory turned out to be partially true. The coronavirus originated not from a Chinese person eating a bat, or a contaminated seafood market, or even a failed nuclear experiment, but from a bored millennial’s computer.
Lewis Huber is a 23-year-old New Yorker who believes he started the coronavirus by playing Plague Inc. - a video game which simulates the effects of a virus’ global spread. According to Huber, “I was craving some Corona beer, so that’s what I named my virus in the game… I never expected it to get this bad in real life!” Huber kept this dark secret to himself for months. He decided to uninstall Plague Inc. from his computer, hoping that the virus would stop. When it had no effect on the outside world, Huber deleted all his social media apps as well so he wouldn’t have to deal with the guilt.
Huber had cut himself off from the rest of the world entirely. When he heard news of struggles to develop a vaccine and New York City’s drastic number of coronavirus cases, he ignored it. But Huber finally caved yesterday, when he discovered that his favorite local bubble tea place had shut down.
“I told myself, ‘You know what, Lewis? This has gone too far. I need to stop this.’ See, I can handle death and suffering just fine. Racism, ableism, discussions of eugenics? All good. But I can’t bear being separated from bubble tea. So I called the nearest hospital to report myself.”
Strangely enough, the receptionist immediately dismissed Lewis’ claims as “unfounded, and frankly, ridiculous. Please take your pranks somewhere else, sir.” It appears as though the city is in dire need of competent medical professionals.
The Pasquinade recommends tweeting at local representatives about the situation until they either block or mute you. Until the government starts paying attention, New York City’s 8 million residents will all have to suffer from bubble tea deprivation, and Huber’s heroism will have gone to waste.