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Researchers Discover COVID-19 Can Spread Via Internet

By Mark Hubertus |

The CDC has recommended that all Americans turn off electronic devices so that COVID-19 could not spread “through wifi waves”. The CDC, hoping that most Americans would realize the recommendation was an April Fools joke, wanted only to provide humor during these dark times. As CDC spokesperson Gina Gaffney often says, “laughter is the best medicine.”

Never underestimate American stupidity, Gina.

As of April 13, 2020, twitter traffic has gone down by an estimated 97.6% from April 1, and facebook traffic has gone down by about 98.4%. Now, because these gullible citizens refuse to go online in fear of the virus, there is no way for them to find out that it was only a joke. What seemed to be a harmless prank has turned into a national emergency!

Citizens who are still online worry that president Trump has also fallen prey to the prank and has abandoned his country. His last tweet, dated from April 1st, says, “Going offline, as the CDC recommends. Fellow Americans, good luck on your own!”

Dang it, Donald!

Despite desperate attempts to alert the president, Vice President Mike Pence has been stopped at the White House gates because his clearance level was not high enough. Notably, select congressmen, as well as Doordash employees, cleaning services, masseuses, and butlers, were allowed to enter, coming into direct contact with the president. However, none seem to be aware of the joke, as Trump has yet to come back online.

We will keep our readers updated as this national crisis continues to unfold.

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