Short Hills Chastises Costco As A 'Humiliating' And 'Immoral' Institution

By Ashna Gaglani |

Due to COVID, several Short Hills residents have recently been found to be starving (to death in some cases). The catch is, most residents have enough resources to safely purchase food, and moreover, the shelves of stores like Costco remain almost completely full. So why are residents starving?


Before the pandemic, petitions to close Costco had been circulating, and generated a great deal of traction. Residents complained that Costco destroyed the integrity of Short Hills. We at The Pasquinade took it upon ourselves to further investigate this issue; we interviewed a few well-respected individuals in our town and asked:


We heard that Costco has not been receiving much business lately, do you know why that is?


Cassy Musgraves: Sorry, I don't think I can answer that question. I’ve never heard of this place. Cotto, you called it?


Ana Vinner: Oh, I think my cleaning lady talked about that place once. I fired her.


Patricia Rochester: Nope, but we’re not starving, thank goodness, because my husband is a doctor. We obviously can afford Whole Foods, Trader Joes, the whole works. Worst case he loses his job, and I'll just find a new one.


A new job?


Patricia: No, silly, a new husband.


Okay, Patricia!


Clearly, Costco is just too lowbrow for a town like this. Short Hills would rather die than shop there! Take a hint, Costco, and just leave. No one wants you!