Stringent Social Distancer Brings Double-Meter Stick Outside To 'Whack ‘Em Dunces Like Piñatas'

By Ashley Wang | Local News |

Those at Taylor Park this weekend were fortunate to witness an incredible sight: an elderly man named Edwin Cox was spotted wielding two meter sticks, duct-taped together to enforce social distancing.


Videos of Cox’s antics brought joy to many disheartened Instagram and Twitter users. Several local teenagers showed up to record him and hold impromptu interviews. In their recordings, they can be heard screaming to ensure Cox’s comprehension from six feet away.


In the most liked video, now with over 300,000 views, Cox engages in a one-sided scuffle against two kissing teens who are approximately ¼ his age.


“Six feet away!” he yells, brandishing the meter stick like a sword. There’s a surprising youthfulness to his movements. He dances around the couple, sticking his neck out intermittently like a snapping turtle. After a minute of this, the lovers finally relent, and Cox looks directly into the camera. “Got any questions for me?”

Voice strained from laughter, the interviewer asks Cox what provoked this heroic behavior.


“You know, I was really inspired by the imagery of bats in popular culture,” he says wistfully. “My granddaughter introduced me to Beyoncé’s Hot Sauce and Harley Quinn’s iconic baseball bat. I saw how much power came from these beautiful weapons of destruction, which persuaded me to go whack ‘em dunces like piñatas.’” From the wide smile on his face, it’s clear that he spent hours thinking of this catchphrase.


Cox’s fame is now steadily increasing. He even has a fancam on Twitter, set to “Pretty Boy Swag” by Soulja Boy. Millburn residents in search of local entertainment can keep an eye out for Cox next weekend, when he plans to return to Taylor Park and continue breaking up any budding romances.