Zuckerberg Plans to Merge His Body With Twitter CEO in New Big Tech Deal

By Ashley Wang | National News |

Mark Zuckerberg made a pivotal announcement this weekend: he and Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey have made a deal to combine their two bodies into one. This merger will double their enterprising skills and penchant for introducing useless, badly named features to their apps (yes, this is about “Fleets”).

Although not officially announced, it’s assumed that Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter will soon morph into one giant social media platform called “FIT” that threatens to take over the entirety of online browsing. This doesn’t come as much of a surprise, considering that Facebook and Instagram have already tried to replace YouTube, Snapchat, TikTok, eBay, and Etsy. Meanwhile, Twitter is becoming the favorite site of disinformation campaigns—despite its meek attempts to silence a certain orange-faced leader.

Another concern for social media users is that advertisers will have access to even more detailed information on their browsing habits. Whereas before, Facebook might suggest you a nice dress, FIT will be able to offer a dress in your favorite color with the right size, fabric, and shape to avoid getting fat-shamed by “well-intentioned” family members.

The most pressing issue, however, is the fact that users will now be completely lost as to what to do on their friends’ birthdays. Should they lazily retweet someone else’s post, make a cheesy compilation of photos with a horrid, emoji-filled caption, or simply type “hbd” and call it a day? It seems that even the smartest of Silicon Valley's masterminds are unsure how to solve this problem. We'll just have to wait and see what happens in the coming years.